Tag Archives: Anxiety

Failure and Autodidacticism.

Dope_SFRecently I received the feedback for my final exam presentation and I failed with a grade of 49/100 (50 being a passing grade). It has brought up a real sense of entitlement within myself that conflicts with the way I would like to live my life. My inability to work within the framework of a university has also driven me back to my autodidactic practice.

Factors of Failure

For some bizarre reason I really feel as though I should have passed. When I view the criteria sheet in relation to my presentation I believe I was judged incredibly harshly. Perhaps I am making excuses for myself when at the end of the day, had I reviewed all the material provided I probably would have passed… Or would I have.

They call it dope for a reason

During the semester I took many different substances, all considered by the vast majority of people to be far more sinister than jazz-herb. That said, my marks did not deteriorate until I took up smoking it.

I feel like a damned fool. My arrogance lead me to believe that I could pass a final exam with less than two days of presentation after smoking (daily) for more that four weeks straight. Not to mention, during this period there were various other substances, such as alcohol and prescription drugs taken.

By Hunter S. Thompson’s standard I had a pretty relaxed May/June, but by the average masters student I was Ozzy fucking Osborne.

Autodidactic Practice

I have returned to viewing my own content, just as I had before university study and it has cast a lot of doubts on whether or not I am in the right place. There are so many things I want to explore and want to do in my life and this course seems to be putting them on hold. The ironic thing about this statement is that this course is quite possibly the ticket to achieve many of the things I want to.

I just lack the focus and restraint. I do what I want to do and within the world I’d presently lived that was more than enough – the life of a welfare recipient and practising artist does not set the bar particularly high when it comes to achievement. I feel as though there are not enough hours in the day and that by continuing with my studies I am failing to contribute something more positive to the world.

What am I doing?

I am training to be a teacher. I am not sure that there is anything more selfless in the world than taking a low salary to work long hours to teach the next generation, but I can’t help but feel it’s not enough. It feels like I am simply becoming a cog in a western societal machine that doesn’t have neither the time nor the inclination to include someone who wants to push the boundaries.

My biggest problem is that I’m always right

This is probably the biggest personality problem I need to address in my life. No matter what happens I always have to do things differently and I always have to be right. This does not mean I am adverse to admitting I’m wrong (quite the opposite) it means I have become and expert at manipulating nearly any situation to prove myself right.

Even if it’s only in my own mind.

So what next?

I am at a loss. I need to make some serious decisions about whether or not I go back to university next semester. Presently my biggest issue is that I feel like an idiot and am not sure how I can face returning to school but as I say this I realise that the poisons are still draining from my system. I am still affected by substances that alter my mind and generate anxieties and self doubt.

In 8 days time I will be going on a retreat. House sitting for my mother who leaves for the desert. If I was to leave tomorrow I would spend the three days in meditation. By the time I get there however, I may have lost interest.

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Back!

concernedteacherjpegWoooow! I am back. I can’t believe it’s been twelve months since I last posted on here. There have been some big changes in my life and I think that it’s about time I got back into the swing of writing regularly.

Here is a quick look at what I’ve been doing for the past 12 months

  • Returned to university: Studying to be a teacher.

  • Return to Depression & Anxiety

  • Got a Cat

  • Focussing on visual art

  • Playing a bit of Banjo

  • Writing has been purely for the purpose of self-reflection

The biggest item on that list is definitely my return to uni. I took the plunge and decided to become a teacher. So far, it’s been pretty good, but the second dot point on that list has definitely made it difficult.

Around the middle of 2011 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They put me on meds but I was heading over seas and refused to take them, long story short, I wound up having a full on mental breakdown while I was there and had to cut my trip short. After returning home, I went through about nine months of therapy and was good.

Time has gone by and my anxiety is back with a vengeance, far worse than I remember it ever being. The main root of my fear is the fear of ridicule and I’m actually cooking up a few stories to give an insight into just how insane I actually am :P.

For now, unfortunately, I won’t be returning to writing fantasy. I find that I can’t force it and presently have no motivation. I know my muse will return at some point, but that day is not today. I am definitely returning to regular posting, but the content will be vastly different – for not at least.

How has your past 12 months been? What’s changed for you in the writing scene? Have you had any unseen mishaps?

Thanks for reading!