Recently I received the feedback for my final exam presentation and I failed with a grade of 49/100 (50 being a passing grade). It has brought up a real sense of entitlement within myself that conflicts with the way I would like to live my life. My inability to work within the framework of a university has also driven me back to my autodidactic practice.
Factors of Failure
For some bizarre reason I really feel as though I should have passed. When I view the criteria sheet in relation to my presentation I believe I was judged incredibly harshly. Perhaps I am making excuses for myself when at the end of the day, had I reviewed all the material provided I probably would have passed… Or would I have.
They call it dope for a reason
During the semester I took many different substances, all considered by the vast majority of people to be far more sinister than jazz-herb. That said, my marks did not deteriorate until I took up smoking it.
I feel like a damned fool. My arrogance lead me to believe that I could pass a final exam with less than two days of presentation after smoking (daily) for more that four weeks straight. Not to mention, during this period there were various other substances, such as alcohol and prescription drugs taken.
By Hunter S. Thompson’s standard I had a pretty relaxed May/June, but by the average masters student I was Ozzy fucking Osborne.
Autodidactic Practice
I have returned to viewing my own content, just as I had before university study and it has cast a lot of doubts on whether or not I am in the right place. There are so many things I want to explore and want to do in my life and this course seems to be putting them on hold. The ironic thing about this statement is that this course is quite possibly the ticket to achieve many of the things I want to.
I just lack the focus and restraint. I do what I want to do and within the world I’d presently lived that was more than enough – the life of a welfare recipient and practising artist does not set the bar particularly high when it comes to achievement. I feel as though there are not enough hours in the day and that by continuing with my studies I am failing to contribute something more positive to the world.
What am I doing?
I am training to be a teacher. I am not sure that there is anything more selfless in the world than taking a low salary to work long hours to teach the next generation, but I can’t help but feel it’s not enough. It feels like I am simply becoming a cog in a western societal machine that doesn’t have neither the time nor the inclination to include someone who wants to push the boundaries.
My biggest problem is that I’m always right
This is probably the biggest personality problem I need to address in my life. No matter what happens I always have to do things differently and I always have to be right. This does not mean I am adverse to admitting I’m wrong (quite the opposite) it means I have become and expert at manipulating nearly any situation to prove myself right.
Even if it’s only in my own mind.
So what next?
I am at a loss. I need to make some serious decisions about whether or not I go back to university next semester. Presently my biggest issue is that I feel like an idiot and am not sure how I can face returning to school but as I say this I realise that the poisons are still draining from my system. I am still affected by substances that alter my mind and generate anxieties and self doubt.
In 8 days time I will be going on a retreat. House sitting for my mother who leaves for the desert. If I was to leave tomorrow I would spend the three days in meditation. By the time I get there however, I may have lost interest.
A month from Somewhere 